as I crumble..

Have been eating horribly the past three days. Chalking it all up to my birthday. Trying to make myself feel better for the mess I've made myself become. Yesterday spent 10 hours at a sports bar, watching football. Drank nearly 3000 calories or more in beer alone, and ate food I can't even post here. Felt awful. Pregnant. Came home, watched tv for an hour. My body knew I did not want that crap in me any longer. I leaped up from bed, just barely making it before my own body purged to emptiness. Spent another two hours dealing with sitting on the toilet out of pain. Not feeling better, though, knowing that the calories had already been absorbed. Flying to Orlando for two days tomorrow. Court for my DUI from back in May. Scared.. so scared.

Yesterday was so much like today. Isn't it strange when you feel like you're living the same day over and over without any progress or change of events?

Yesterday.. chicken boullion cube (5 cal), handful of cheez its (100 cal, approx), rommaine lettuce (15 cal), dressing (150 cal), chicken (150 cal).

Today so far.. chicken boullion cube (5 cal), black olives (250), rommaine lettuce (15), dressing (100). might have salad again for dinner.

I'm flying into Orlando in December to pay my family a visit. I'm also going out for a late birthday celebration. Must look.. better than I do at the moment. I have 19 days to accomplish this task.

Found a "desert" for 5 calories, if you're really craving something sweet. The Jello that you make yourself.. you boil a cup of water, add the powder, and stir. Bam. A 5 calorie (if you can even finish it) hot sweet juice mix. May sound odd to most people but makes for a great sugary snack.

I've cried every night for the past couple of weeks. It's always for a different reason, except when it's the same. (Did I just say that?) What I mean is, that lately (and lately meaning the past couple of months), it's my father who has plagued my mind.

I remember when I was daddy's little girl. I remember him turning me into a tom boy because I think he really wanted a son. The best birthday was when I turned 11, cut into my cake, and found two tickets to an Orlando Magic game (basketball). I had so much fun that night, dressing up in Magic apparel, taking polaroid pictures with my dad. But something changed our relationship and I honestly haven't ever been able to pinpoint it. We began to drift apart. I felt weird hugging him or even having him look at me. Which has left me wondering some very strange thoughts, but I won't delve into those at this point. That's not what this is about.

My parents divorced when I was 17 and that's when I learned a lot about my father. How often he had cheated on my mom.. his addiction to alcohol and marajuana. He was always a selfish man (how could you not be to cheat on your wife), but this is when he became selfish when it came to my sisters and me. He used my college savings to buy himself a Harley Davidson. He refused to allow my mom full custody of my sisters because he'd then have to pay her child support. But at this point, he wasn't suited to raise children. Every evening he down a six pack, and I'll never forget the day he showed me his pipe and bag of weed, as if he was trying to brag.

It was the day that he laid his hands on me that our relationship finally deteriorated. I was so scared when that angry alcohol-induced beast came after me that I actually called the police. Of course, they look at me as a child still and laughed it off. But it was then that I moved in with my mom and stopped speaking to my dad.

Over the next few years, his life fell apart. He got into some pretty bad stuff - cocaine, crack, possibly heroin. A leg injury from a motorcycle accident decades before began to act up, and disabled him from working. He spent more and more time with crack whores, boasting to my sisters how many women he had bedded. Strange men and women with scabs covering their bodies (a symptom of using cocaine) began living in his house. He took out a 2nd and 3rd mortgage, loans, etc.. dragging himself deeper into debt. He used every last cent of his money to buy drugs. He had men point guns in his face through his windows, possibly his crack dealers.

Eventually, he lost his home to foreclosure. That was so sad because it was an extremely large, gorgeous, expensive home that was just GONE like that. He moved in with his mother, who God help her, was too naive to believe that her son was at such a low point. This was the first time in years that I had seen him, because I was curious as to his condition. He was much thinner than he'd ever been.. he looked as though he had aged ten years - grey hairs covered his head and face. That was the day he so rudely grabbed my belly and asked, "what's all this fat about?" (I left that evening to drink away my sorrow and eventually was pulled over for a DUI.) It was only when he left one night, stealing her last penny, every credit card, and her check book that my grandma opened her eyes.

Since then, my father has been spotted here and there, only because he drives an unmissable truck, but no one has spoken a word to him. It's almost inevitable that he will die someday from his drug habits. In fact, to be perfectly honest, it feels as if he already is dead. He's no longer Kevin, the crazy funny father who cherished his family above all else. He's now some stranger I don't even recognize any more.

BUT.. as strange as it sounds.. I've never felt closer to him. Weird, right? But I've come to admit this to myself. There is no one I know in real life that I can relate to. When it comes to my eating disorder and my near-alcoholic addiction, I have never been more like my father. The thing is, I don't hate him at all for using drugs. He gets his high off of crack.. he hides his feelings and uses drugs to escape his life. How are we any different?? I get my high off of being able to go days without food.. I disclose my true self - no one TRULY knows me.. and I use alcohol to escape my life. I love being intoxicated - it's almost like an out of body experience for me. And though I haven't cut in months, when I do, THAT is MY drug! Cutting is so euphoric and destructive and how is that any different than the drugs my dad injects himself with?

I wish I could talk to my dad because I'd let him know how alike we really are. Ok, in all honesty, I'd never let him know about MY addictions.. but it's just so strange how I've never felt more compassion for my dad until now. When my mom gets angry and yells about his addictions, I cringe because she has no idea that I'm suffering from my own. He's risking his life, he's being selfish, he's not the man he used to be.. well, guess what - I'm risking MY life, I'm the most selfish person, and I'm not the girl I once was.. the girl who smiled because she was TRULY happy.. the girl who loved to eat and loved her body at the same time.

I am just like my deteriorating, drug induced, alcoholic father.

Yesterday was yet another nightmare. I can't get into the mindset I want to be.

Thought I'd post a picture or two. Some of you may still have never seen me.

me, this summer, at the beach.


me now.. shorter hair.. blonder, too.

I knew it'd be a disaster. Thanksgiving eats only led to me pigging out for the days to follow. Last night drank at least two bottles of wine on my own.. which led to eating more than I would on a sober mind. Can't lie.. the bloody steak was delicious. The desert to follow wasn't necessary. Saw Borat, finally. Quite funny.. and the fact that I was tipsy helped me to laugh even louder than I normally would. Currently sitting on the couch like always, bored and avoiding mirrors and kitchens. I feel so lost.

I know I've already posted today but I'm compelled to write more. I sit here having taken in approximately 50 calories today and perhaps 300 yesterday and my stomach is rumbling and pleading with me and I love it. How sick is that? And after reading a couple of posts today, I came across one where a girl spoke of knowing what she's doing to her body and still continuing to destroy it. That's me. I know the dangers, I know all of the consequences, and I continue. My biggest fear is death and yet I'm only pushing myself into that direction better than "fate" could ever do. I've always been a hypochondriac, self diagnosing myself with crazy symptoms and viruses.. even my doctor knows of this and has actually laughed when I've told him I think I have a blod clot in my thoracic aorta.. so if I am so afraid of things that can kill me, why can't I pull myself away from this mess? My heart already skips beats and I know that with the less I eat, the less muscle surrounds my heart, and the more at risk I am for heart disease.. yet I can't bring myself to think that being healthy and alive is better than being thin. Though I am certainly not thin in the least.

For those of you who have struggled with an ED for years, you know what I'm about to talk about. I remember when I first fell into this mess.. I fell face first. I was going days without so much as water AND working out at the same time. My lowest weight was 102. It was almost empowering, as sick as that sounds, to be so close to double digits. And now, as I've gone through so many bouts of wanting to be healthy, falling back into it, the same cycle every time, I've somehow climbed to, what I see as, an enormous weight of 125. And I look back and wonder how the in the world did I ever get down to 102?? How did I stay so "strong" and stubborn and resist temptation?? I feel so weak now, because when I feel too hungry, I give in and eat. I never did that before. I don't know who's worse though.. well, I do, but I don't want to admit it. My body is stronger than my mind lately and perhaps that's a "good" thing as others might see it. Whatever. And then I watch things like this HBO thin documentary and look at these women and think, poor girls.. and yet I'm only following their lead.

And of course as the holidays approach we all began to panic because it means FOOD. Why must we associate holidays with food? Why is it that on any other day no one cares if I only eat a small portion of food but on a holiday they give you strange looks and you feel obligated to add more food to your plate in order to please them? And this year is even worse because I am spending it with my boyfriend's family. They are italian, and I think that says it all. Italian food is probably the best tasting but the highest fat and calorie enriched food ever. And italians like to eat, like it's their job. And being that they see me as thin because, frankly, no one in their family is close to being as thin as me, it's like I'm the turkey they must fatten up. I don't know how I'll survive the holiday. I would fake being sick but my boyfriend would know better. Unless, of course, I started getting sick tonight and it progressively got worse.. that's what I'm going to have to do. See that's one of the tricks I've learned. You can't just get sick the day of the big meal.. that's too obvious. But if you're sick days prior, then it seems less planned and forced.

I'm not trying to hand out tips because I am against "pro" anorexia. But I do know how panicked people become and for me, it can send me into a massive anxiety attack and I'll do anything to avoid that. I'm so mad at myself for finishing off my xanax. Now I'll have to ask my mom to fill the prescription for me and she'll ask, why so soon. I'm certainly not addicted to xanax but I feel the need to take some almost every day. Blah. Ok, done ranting.

I have a job. I haven't started yet.. it's a start up company that opens on December 4th (this is the second time I've began a job on the day of my birth, which is somewhat ironic). But I am so anxious to began working because I have been couped up in this apartment doing nothing but thinking. Ok, so that's somewhat of a lie. Yesterday I drank coffee induced with Starbucks liqueur, blared songs such as "Fergalicious" and "My Love", dressed up (or down, I guess you could say) and took some risque pictures. I can't say I look HUGE in them, but my stomach definitely is not where I would like it to be.

I went home to Orlando the other week and while I was there, I went to the doctor and received an accurate weight - 125. Doesn't sound like much at all for someone who's 5'7'', but you all know exactly how I feel when I say *I* think it's too much for me. I'm more comfortable 15 pounds lighter, or more. I've been skipping meals a lot lately, so I'm sure the weight is fluctuating, but I don't like to weigh myself every day or even every week.. it messes too much with my mind. For lunch today I had chicken broth with some chives. It really is filling for only 5 calories a cube. But my goodness, I can sweat for years on just one bowl of that sodium rich liquid.

I'm not sure if I have a drinking problem or not. It's so hard to tell. I'm addicted to way too many things to know which is worse. I'm addicted to being thin and starving.. I'm addicted to turning to a drink to relax me.. I guess so long as I avoid drugs that I'm being "good". My father's life is currently going down the drain due to crack, or maybe worse. He lost his $350,000 home.. yep, completely foreclosed on. He's at least 400,000 in debt. And living where, who knows. The last time I saw him he squeezed my belly "fat" and asked, "What's that?" So humiliating.

I'm starting to post ads for a best friend. Ha. Seriously, I am in diar need of a best friend.. who is a girl. I'm so lonely here in this big city FULL of people. I am going to sign papers for my job tomorrow.. I can't wait.. I love walking around Manhattan.

Well, I've done something so spontaneous and unlike me - moved to New York. I'm living in Queens with Matt and his family. Up here, they have what's called multi-family homes. His house actually has three different apartments in it-all with their own kitchen, bathroom and bed rooms. But it's only his family that lives here, so Matt and I have turned one of the apartments into "our" apartment. I've spend the past two weeks painting and setting things up.. it's actually quite cute.. and it has a balconey that overlooks the ocean. Yeah, an ocean in NY, weird.

I've spent so much time sending my resume into companies because I am now BROKE and in debt. I've also enjoyed walking around Manhattan over and over and over. I love the city.. I love the diversity and the smells (good and bad). Unfortunately, I spent the first two weeks loving the food here, as well, and it has showed. So beginning Friday, I started my diet. And it's not easy. His mom is italian and to make it worse, she's never had a daughter so she expects me to eat as much as her sons and husband do. I swear, I feel as if she is trying to shove food in my mouth every time I see her. I know she means well but it's terrible on my behalf. If I say I've already eaten, she asks what and when and then suggests I eat more. The other night I told her I wasn't hungry, that I had eaten in the city, and she still brought me food to my room and said I should eat. I can't stand it. I refuse to be fat.

Along with my "trasnformation" I've cut my hair short (just above my shoulders) and I am flying back to Orlando this week to get my hair done BLONDE.. like Christina Aguilera blonde. And I've been going to the tanning bed. I want to be stick thin and Marylin-Monroe-esque. I've even went shopping to buy "chic" clothing.. black boots, black legggings, looooong sweaters. So it's helping me to curb my appetite and lose weight.

But I must admit.. I am quite lonely. Especially not having a job yet.. I spend too much time alone and thinking, which is not good for me. I have super high anxiety and being alone only intensifies this effect. I couldn't even sleep until 5 this morning and even then when I fell asleep I had three different dreams and I died in each one of them. That's never happened before so it kind of freaked me out. One was so intense that I seriously woke up out of breath, as if I was about to die. I am in diar need of a friend.. someone to hang out with, laugh with, go into the city with, drink with.. someone who is where I am, who I can relate to and vice versa. It's hard in the city.. everyone's so cold and quite and the few girls I've seen who appear to be like me (sort of like an ED radar) I am too intimidated to walk up to. What do you say?? "Hi, I'm Devon and I need a friend."?? A bit strange.

I am so glad that I hae this place to be completely honest. I am currently sitting on my bed, alone, with tears running down my cheeks. And there's no one else to talk to.. who will ever understand. Which makes me appreciate the support group I have here. I know I should be happy.. Matt is the most amazing guy I have ever met.. but I am NOT happy. Even before he left for NY, I was miserable.. and even now as he's been away for almost a week, I don't miss him. I want to be alone so bad but either he calls or my mother calls and no one understands how badly I need to be ALONE. Why are people so scared of being alone?? Why do they see this as foreign?? I love being alone. I love drinking by myself and listening to sad songs, like I am now.. it helps to bring me clarity.
A young boy, not even 18, commited suicide last week. He attended my younger sister's high school. He was popular, smart, and loved by many. I read his myspace that many people commented on.. about how they missed him and such. My mom even asked how anyone could kill themselves. I just sat there in silence, recalling the time I sat on my kitchen tile with a bottle full of tranquilizers, ready to end it all. I didn't.. I just didn't have the courage. Of course, most wouldn't call that "courage".. but it brought me back to how I felt then.. and how I completely understood this boy's NEED to escape this world. As much as I cry for his friends and family, a part of me relates so well to him.. and makes me want to just hug him. He's under so much scrutiny now for what he's done, with no regard for anyone else.. but I know where he's been.. and when you're there, you can't even think to picture anyone else.. you just want to escape your pain.. and everyone else thinks you're selfish.. but what do they know????
I am just so confused right now.. about my life. I hate my job, and I can't stand even talking to Matt. I don't miss him.. that's raw honesty. He keeps calling and texting, saying how much he misses me and I feel like a fraud saying, "me too".. I just don't. I want to be alone.. even if it means for the rest of my life. I want to be on my own. It's so much easier to be sad and upset and lonely when you're ALONE.

So here I am, realizing how weak I am and how much I need that one thing I've let go of. Here I am, uncomfortable with who I've become and, frankly, who I am with. No sparks exist, no feelings remain. I find myself in that place again; the weak, numb, unsure place that, sadly, I recognize and love. I've missed it for so long, and I wish so badly I can get back to it. Stupid! Stupid, stupid stupid.. you can shove it in my face until my eyes are black and blue and I still I won't let up. Isn't it sad how much we LONG for that loneliness and sadness?? But it's so comfortable and common and we feel NORMAL there. We keep returning as much as we know it's wrong.. but we love it there. That's the place I'm at right now.

I miss you all.. So very very much. Please get in contact with me.. I long to speak with you.. please<3
-Devon

When do you know it's "the real thing"? I thought it was as real as I thought it could be.. I was in love and with someone seemingly so perfect. If you checked my track record on guys, you would compare this one to my other like comparing a Mercedes and a piece of shit Honda. Yet.. I'm not happy. And my mind and heart lead me back to one person: Tyler. Heck, I've only spent two days with him in my presence; what makes him so special? So what if he had these amazing eyes that captured me from the first minute I looked into them.. so what if his smile drove me crazy.. his hair so boyishly cute.. his laughter and conversation - captivating. He's online and I'm too afraid to send him a message because he must think I'm crazy.. a person who is about to move to Canada and silly me, all the way here in Florida.. as if there's anything that could happen. But I know there was something between us.. even after the first minute we spoke. He's just so insightful and young and openminded and I loved every minute shared between us. What is a girl to do?

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days of high school; back when life was far less complicated. Serious commitments to anything other than a sport were unheard of. The days of living under your parent's roof, not having to worry about paying rent of buying groceries. The days of acceptable immaturity, irresponsibility, and freedom that were handed to you as a sort of "get out of jail free" card. There may have been unrealistic drama and stupid rumors, cliques and dirty looks, but most of the time poeple ignored the childish antics presented by "the popular crowd". Those were the days where you'd have three different boyfriends in one month, and numerous crushes more. You were never expected to commit to one person, because dating was promoted by even your parents.
As you grow older, you realize that as a person matures, so does their heart; and somehow, this leaves you more vulnerable to being hurt. You do your best to avoid being heart broken, and, as you finally begin to listen to that voice they call a consience, you make every attempt not to break anyone else's heart, as well. Complications arise. Are you in love? Are they? Where is this relationship going? Is this someone you could spend forever with?
The pool in which you used to select your opposite sex interests lessens as you begin to understand that a "bad boy" image isn't everything you once thought it was. But this only complicates matters more. Now you have a limited number of men you'd be willing to date, but everyone of them is sweet, kind, romantic, caring. Each one shares your interests, opens your doors, pays for your dinners, and gushes over how beautiful you are. But they do nothing to set themselves apart from one another. Sure, one may be more handsome or perhaps one can dance better, but they each treat you with the overwhelming respect you have come to love.
And, like a selfish child, you want them all to yourselves. It's impractical to date more than one, but perhaps you date one while stringing along the other. These guys are not your's, but you'd loike to think so. And whilst you want no other woman to steal their hearts away, you justify your reasonings in giving away tiny pieces of your heart to multiple people.
Pictures of one significant other cover your work desk, yet while gazing off at them, you find yourself thinking of another. Guilt strikes deep; you know what you're doing is wrong and could inevitably hurt many people. Still, you continue on your escapade because you're too afraid to lose perhaps the attention, love, or "the right one". Spending one night with this person and the next night with the other, giving yourself completely to each, but holding back so much.
Oh, what tangled webs we weave in our pursuit to find happiness, fulfilment, true love. Trying to create our own destiny when it's already been laid out by the stars above. The same stars you stood under with each boy on different nights, holding them close and not letting go. Because you can't let go once you've given a piece of yourself to someone. Feelings grow deeper and lies become easier, and you ignore that voice that is pleading with you to make things right. But what is right? Once a heart is involved, the line between right and wrong becomes a blur and we dance back and forth from each side without notice.. ignoring the hearts we hold in our hands and the immense power we have to break them.

I hate HATE hate being so lazy and not updating or being able to leave notes for others. Seriously, I don't deserve you guys.. but I truly do appreciate you all sticking by my side regardless.

Just a quick update. The family situation is much better than in my last post. Actually, my mom and stepdad have just purchased a new home in which we will be moving to November 4th. Still in Orlando. I last weighed in at 116lbs, so I have lost 10lbs sometime between the beginning of the school year and now. I am determined. I am currently on a liquid fast until Halloween night, because of the costume I am wearing. I bought some black leather chaps and my outfit reminds me of Christina Aguilera from her video "Dirrty". I am going up to New York for Halloween.. and to see my boyfriend. Matt and I are doing so well. I am so in love with him.

I will have to get some pictures up. Does anybody else have MySpace?

I can't even explain the feeling I am experiencing right now. Or lately, for that matter.
All I know is that in tough times, I crumble. I don't withstand pressure.. I don't stand up for myself.. and for Heaven's sake, I am NOT strong. I am SICK of being told that I am strong, when all I can really acclaim to is being a good actor. They only see the smiles.. but no one truly knows the inner workings of my mind.. the frown behind that FAKE smile. I KNOW it's wrong.. I KNOW it's dangerous.. I KNOW it's unhealthy but I KNOW what takes my mind off of things.
Today I worked out in the gym.. burned off around 450 calories. Came home, was lectured because I am not RESPONSIBLE and I "need to get my priorities in order" - Riddle me this: If I have a GOOD PAYING JOB, if I am ATTENDING SCHOOL to earn a degree, if I am PAYING my bills and paying for EVERYTHING I own and use on a day to day basis, am I NOT resposible enough?? Sure, I may have money I owe on credit cards, but I have NEVER been late for a payment and I always pay more than is owed at that time. And I NEVER ask ANYone for help, or for MONEY. I know the VALUE of a dollar, unlike 90% of my peers whose parents have HANDED them everything from a brand new car to a complete FOUR YEAR TUITION. I have had a job since I was SIXTEEN and from that moment on I have earned EVERY DIME I have spent.
And to say that me traveling to see MY BOYFRIEND who is really the ONE THING that makes me happy is a WASTE OF MY MONEY and that I need to deal with NOT SEEING HIM for 7 months just because my grandmother did that with my grandfather is ABSURD. If he is the only person who has ever understood me.. then WHY must I stay away from him?
I'm so sick and tired. And after this lecture I ran.. I ran and I sprinted and I ran some more until my lungs were hurting because PHYSICAL PAIN is so much easier to handle.
Whatever.

I have consumed no more than 1000 cal a day this week. I woke up this morning and was slightly happy to see my stomach had lost its bloat. I cut for the first time in almost a year this past weekend. I couldn't help it.. I simply couldn't. There wasn't much blood at all.. I didn't have the gall to go deep. But it was calming, relaxing, soothing. Not a habit I look to embrace again but something that will never leave my mind.
I am taking a nutrition class required for my degree. I feel superior in this class; not that I follow the rules of nutrition, but I certainly know everything there is to know. I can tell you the calorie content of almost any product.. I know the consequences of not eating too much.. I know BMIs, BMRs, and all such words pertaining to the body. I almost want to shout out the answers, but I don't want anyone to think I'm [obsessed]. My professor spoke breifly about anorexia; she mentioned that one simply cannot exist on only 800 calories a day. The only thought that crossed my mind was.. "You're wrong.. I made it two years and could've gone longer." She made it seem as though a person would die after three weeks of such a diet. Ah well.
Tomorrow I leave for New York to visit Matt (a big reason I have been eating so little this week). I am going back to the University I attended last year which is exciting - I am able to see all my old friends and not-so-much-friends. I hope that I look alright. I cannot stand flying. I cannot stand the lack of control. Every time I fly I load myself up with liquor in hopes to pass out before take off. I figure.. hey, if the plane goes down, I simply won't know. I have always thought the "better" death would be peacefully during sleep. I have done mega research on flying and truly it is amazingly safe.. but I will never be able to convince myself of this.
<3

I ran into my ex on Saturday at the beach. I should have known better than to be in a bikini at my current state. I am just not suited for anything less than a baggy shirt and loose fitting jeans. As my sister, my ex, his friend and I drank our beers on the pier, he mentioned something sarcastically about me gaining weight and whether it was a joke (as he claims) or not, it hit me hard. I have been dealing with emotions of guilt and self-worthlessness. I have cried many times whilst looking at myself in the mirror. I have avoided scales because I know they'll taunt and mock me. But hearing this so-called joke was enough to put me over the edge. Immediately I began to cry, brining my hands up over my face as I walked to the car, hoping no one would notice the scene I was trying to avoid creating. I tried to stop the tears, but they poured out continuously. The drive home lasted nearly an hour and I cried the entire way. My ex kept sending me texts saying things like "what a guy wouldn't give to be with you" and "you are so beautiful, you have no idea".. but the joke he made stuck out much more than any make-up compliment he could have given me.
Isn't it amazing when someone else can effect you more than you effect yourself? I had always thought of myself as my biggest critic.. that no one else could hurt me the way I do. But at that moment I wasn't ready.. and his words stung like a thousand bees. My concious speaks to me.. I cannot starve myself like I once did. But I have significantly reduced my calorie intake since.. and will continue to until I lose this fat that sits on my stomach and in my love handles and on my thighs. I am repulsed by the image displayed to me when looking into the mirror.

I cannot begin to express the feelings and emotions running through my head at this moment. Such a melancholy mixture of thoughts and ideas swirling together in the most insane fashion.
I named this post [1] because it is the beginning of yet another era in which I find myself drawing close to what I was before. I have reached an awful weight of 125 which, at 5'7'', does not qualify me for being obese at all. Let me draw the line in saying that I do not think I am fat. Really, I am happy with my legs, my back, my arms. My unhappiness lies in the weakest spot for all of us - my stomach. You cannot even see my hipbones any more which makes me want to cry each time I lift up my shirt in front of the mirror. Jeans that once were loose are now snug and I H.A.T.E. it. I'm not resorting completely to starvation, though if anyone else were to look at my plans I'm sure they would label it as such. I just simply cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror.. nor can I take sitting down anymore as my fat buldges out of my pants. Lecturing won't help because I am beyond that. I have a concious which is how I gained so much weight.
But in other, happier, news.. I am back in Orlando for good. I have decided not to attend Long Island University this year because I cannot stand New York. I think the majority of people who "love" NY are those who only visit and do not live there. It is not a pleasant place. It is full of bitterness and gloom, complete with faces that never smile and a fog that never passes. It's smelly and dirty and cruel. People do not make eye contact; they bump into each other without excusing themselves. Respect, morals, and gratitude are a thing of the past.. replaced with pretentious, self-absorbed attitudes labeled "chic". The only part of NY I enjoyed was Time Square - beyond this tourist-filled shopping meca, there's nothing but sadness which can really bring even the strongest person down.
But, I am still dating Matt, the boy I was seeing while I was up there. The long distance relationship has worked perfectly for us; we have our own space and we're able to see each other at least two weekends a month. I am in love. Yes, something I thought would never be possible after Chris. But I am, head over heels. Matt is amazing - the perfect prince charming. He would bend over backwards to see to it that I am happy. I'll post pictures as soon as I can.
The greatest thing about our relationship is our open-ness and honesty. We're able to tell each other EVERYthing. I've told him about my depression, OCD, cutting, and even the one thing I never thought would be possible to tell anyone in "real" life - my anorexia. What's made it really easy is that, at one point, he, too, was anorexic. He used to be very overweight and one day discovered the "magic" of starvation. Meals were as simple as yogurt and he'd run nearly 10 miles a day. It got to the point where he had lost far too much weight, at which point he began eating regularly and exercising normally. Now he is a perfect weight for his height.. he's so adorable. But he understands me so well. He never lectures me. Although, he has never really seen me at any bad point. For the past year I haven't been flirting with anorexia, hence my weight gain.
I have missed all of you soooo much and I hope to re-establish the friendships we once had. <3

Today was a good day. I feel really positive about things.

I spent much of the morning conversing with those of the male gender, asking for their opinions on my situation. The general consensus concluded that I know what's best and it was silly for me to even be asking. They were right; I mean, it's not like they could have remedied the situation anyhow. So after showering, Matt invited me to be his "arm candy" to our girls' softball game. I met him down on the field and he immediately threw his arms around me to ward off the wind and light rain. A lot of the baseball team soon met us down on the field and even in their presence, Matt focused his attention on keeping me warm. It was funny because he had this huge jacket so he zipped both of us in it and we were like, walking around like one. His friends were laughing at our silliness but he still continued to make me laugh. I love that about him - the way he is consistant in his behavior even when his guy friends are around.

He took me out to dinner and the entire time he kept kissing my hands and holding them from across the table.. like something out of a movie. We had a good conversation, and I think this is what really made me feel.. content. I asked him how long his longest relationship was - I don't know why I haven't asked this sooner, but I guess I assumed it was much longer than what he ended up telling me: 4 months. Four months.. that's it. So then I asked if he had a fear of commitment, and he said yes. So I asked why, and he said he really didn't know. But just knowing that he not only has a fear of commitment, but that he's never been in a relationship longer than four months (which means he's probably never been in love) makes everything so easy! He doesn't know what love feels like yet.. so of course he's not exactly looking for it (before a guy has truly experienced he, he doesn't know what he's missing). And if he has a fear of commitment, then I completely understand the not-wanting-a-long-distance-relationship deal. Ah, it all makes so much sense and this may not make any sense to whomever reads this, but it has helped me accept things so much.

We also talked a bit about my ex, and how I've been cheated on, hence my insecurities with guys. He told me that he's actually been cheated on, by his most recent ex, and that he doesn't stand for it. He explained that while they were together, he went to visit his friends at their college, and three girls straight up offered to hook up with him but he refused, citing that he had a girlfriend. He wasn't trying to brag.. just hearing this made me realize that there *are* still a *few* guys out there who don't resort to cheating.

As we were leaving, he held my jacket for me to put it on, and we walked back to the dorms. We went up to his room and sat on the couch. He ended up falling asleep for a little bit, and I just looked at him, wondering how in the world he became such a sweet, romantic guy if he's only been in three (very short) relationships. When he woke up, we cuddled and wrestled and all that cute stuff. He's such a cutie.. he's going to make one girl extremely lucky someday. For now, I feel lucky just to have met such an awesome guy.

Another thing that has left me smiling is my recent conversation with my friend, Tyler. He's someone I met in the city on my birthday back in December. We both sat down at the bar at ESPNzone (a sports bar) and half way into one of the basketball games, he ended up talking to me. We spoke for an hour or two before he had to leave to catch a flight back to California. He gave me his card, which I thought I had lost but found sometime in February and emailed him. After a few sent emails, we exchanged numbers and began talking on the phone once or twice a week for an hour. And when my team went to California for our spring break tournament in March, we had one "free day" and Tyler came to pick me up and we spent the entire day together, watching sports and hanging out. He's a good guy.. and I admit, quite attractive. (Of course, I was dating Matt so I was behaving myself, no worries).

Well, just now we were talking and he's like, "So when is your next trip to California? I'm sure you have quite a few trips planned." I said that I should look into flying out there again soon. Then he said, "We should definitely try to be in the same time zone a few times this summer." Time*S* - plural. So I said if he wanted me to come out there, I'd look at flights now so they'd be less expensive.. and he said he has a friend that works for Travelocity and he's going to see if she can't get me a good deal. (He must really want me to go see him?) It makes me feel kind of happy because he wants to see me, it seems. And just now he was saying how I'm "unique" because I'm funny, into sports, linedance, etc.

With Tyler, he's never once said anything to lead onto maybe having an interest in me. At most, we've both agreed that we're the two most awesome people in the US and the reason behind us living on complete opposite ends is that we have to balance out the country - it would be completely offbalance if we were both living in the same place. But I mean, other than that, it's not like we've flirted at all. I've thought of him as a completely plutonic friend.. and who's to say that's not what he thinks of me as? And perhaps he just wants to have a good friend who happens to live in Florida come to visit once in a while.

But he said "a few times" - plural. Which is definitely perking my curiousity. Hm. But nonetheless, it has made me smile because.. you know what? If things don't work out with Matt (as they inevitably won't), it's ok.. plenty of fish in the sea, right? Ha. I'm hyper.=)

I want to be loved. I want to be so immensely overcome with a shower of love and adoration that it'll scare me. I know it's not an uncommon desire.. to want to be loved.. but mine runs deeper. I understand that no relationship is perfect - that's not what I'm asking for in the least. Actually, to be perfectly honest, I want some drama; I want some imperfections and arguments and not-so-quaint situations. I crave conflict as much as I hate to admit it.

I have a few friends who have interesting relationships and I only feel satisfied when they tell me their stories and happenings. A friend who has been apart from her ex now for almost a year and yet the boy tries everyday to win her back. Another friend whose boy spends ever moment with her because he can't get enough. And yet another friend who would do anything to get back with the girl he's in love with. I watch these three in envy, wanting someone to want me as much as they want their significant others. I want a boy to look at me like I'm perfect (though I know I'm not) and to show me in his every action that I mean so much.

Matt doesn't do this. Oh, don't get me wrong - Matt is amazing; he is so sweet and really does treat me like I'm something special. But, there's something there - or, not there, rather - and it bugs me so much that I spent last evening with him without so much as a smile. He doesn't seem to want me.. it's as if we're just going through the motions. Am I just something convenient? Because I could have sworn that each kiss we shared last night grew less and less passionate and more and more routine. That "spark" that overcame me with the first kiss we shared has gone away and has left our kisses and hugs bland and tired.

Heck, I don't even know if this is what's going on in his head; for all I know, he could be feeling the spark through and through. I can't tell if I'm just trying to make myself distant from him. Knowing our relationship has an expiration date is something I can't shake. I keep thinking, "It's not worth it!" yet, I am too (scared? infatuated?) to end things - though I know it'd be best and is inevitable anyhow. It's like, our relationship is a person in a coma, clinging on via life support. Once the life support has been stripped away, the person will fade. All we're doing is slowing the inevitable. Why can't I bring myself to end things now?

I try my best to push him away subtly but find it impossible; he's just completely sweet and so good to me. Just last night while eating dinner in his room, the fire alarm in the dorms went off so we all rushed outside. He let me wear his baseball sweats since it was cold. We got out there, and infront of half our friends, he hugged me so tight to shelter me from the brisk winds. He kissed me and I felt like I was the belle of the ball.. as if everyone was staring in envy. Just as quick as I held onto that moment of confidence, I lost it. As I waited for him by his door (when we were let back into the building we got split up) I heard him around the corner talking to one of the girls on the softball team. I don't know her well; there's a split between those who like her and those who don't - but I don't follow popular opinions.. I make my own. Still, she's thin.. probably the thinnest, most elegant girl at this school. I watch her int he caf.. cutting up her cucumbers and barely chewing her unseasoned salad.. she has such control and I'm jealous of her for that. He stopped to talk to her and as he laughed at something she'd said, this pain struck me. I felt like such an idiot! It was jealousy I was feeling.. jealousy because my guy was talking to a girl. I haven't felt that since Chris.. and I promised myself that if I ever felt that again, I'd end things because it's so unhealthy to be jealous. Ok, jealousy is natural - that I accept. But jealousy because my guy talks to a girl, in a completely plutonic fashion? Unacceptable.

Once he met with me again, I had developed a headache. Inside my head I was repeating, "this is it.. you need to end things." I completely distanced myself from him at that moment. I blamed it on my headache but I knew what I was doing. Still, his kisses and hugs couldn't be guarded and I slowly let the temporary walls fall again. As I kissed him goodnight he asked me what I was doing for Easter. I told him nothing and he said, "My mom wants to know if you'd like to have dinner with us. It'll be at my grandparent's." Dinner.. with the family.. on a holiday - it's not something you do with someone you're casually dating. And for his mom to invite me? It's a pretty big deal in my book.

I remember after breaking up with Chris, I had to start from scratch and rebuild the confidence I had lost. I am still insecure.. but I was confident and I admit, I got cocky. Suddenly, I had all these guys wanting to date me and I played them like puppets. Of course, it was something I was doing because I had never held so many cards before.. and I've since matured and learned not to play with hearts of other's. But.. what happened to that confidence I had? The confidence where I'd go on a date with a guy and not worry about where things were going with him because there were boys lined up if he lost out? I need to take that back. Yes, I am lucky to have found Matt.. but he's just as lucky to have found me. And if things don't work out with him, then they're not meant to be. It's hard to accept that concept, but it's life and I must deal with it.

In less than two months I will be back in Orlando.. back in my "comfort zone".. back with my best friend/sister Casey, who makes my world complete. And three months following that I will be starting at a new university.. just 2 hours from home.. with 40,000 students and plenty of opportunity. If Matt and I can't work with a long distance relationship, then I'll be fine.. because there are other guys out there. And if Matt and I are meant to be, it'll happen. But like Green Day sang, "You can't go forcing something if it's just not right." So true.